Judgement

I think the worst part about this virus is the self judgement. I got in an argument with my mother this morning because I feel like I’m constantly being baraged with other people’s productivity. THis has been going on for my whole life. Other people’s accomplishments are the bane of my existence.

This is what drove me away from instagram, this is what drove me from facebook- I feel like this is what has been driving my entire social identity crisis for the past 15 years. Your accomplishments.

Once I see your instagram page or facebook, i can’t possibly know the real you because I’m always thinking about the picture I saw that doesn’t blend well with the person who is in front of me. Every picture tells a million words that aren’t being said when I’m in your presence. Its like every person I meet I need to see their family photo albums or their garage slide show. I really don’t want to know how many more experiences you have had than I have, I don’t need all the pictures to make it that much more real.

I’m not intelligent enough to learn this as I go like an consciously objective observer. My brain collects data and uses it to reinforce negative thoughts and punish myself. This happense almost exclusively unless I identify it and try to stop it using tools that I invariably forget I have.

I am such an innately rebellious person that the moment everyone is working from home and being productive, I want to go out and find a job and take the subway.

I have a real social problem- thing is I know for certain there are others out there like me, I just haven’t really found enough of them to support and to be supported by. My mother raised me in such a binary environment that I am having a really hard time adjusting to this deeply grey life. makes me want to shut it all out draw a big x down the middle of the screen that is my life.

I’m not suicidal, I’m just very very grumpy.