6 Months

It has been a WHOPPING SIX months since I last wrote. I have avoided this blog on a daily basis with the tenacity that I avoided homework in all of my classes that I ever took in my whole life. There have been days where I haven’t thought about it, but not many. I had thoughts of ‘it’s stupid’ and ‘what a dumb idea.’ I hadn’t read even one of my posts until last night. Why last night?

Reddit, of course. Reddit.

Reddit has given me a new fucking world.

I quit drinking back in April. I joined the quitdrinking subreddit and there I found out about Annie Grace’s book the Naked Mind.

The reason I wanted to quit drinking was because I had an AdHd diagnosis. My psychiatrist told me I could not be prescribed narcotics as a drinker. So I quit.

It wasn’t hard for me. Of all of the things I have struggled with, this was a breeze. I should put this under /quitdrinking for iquiteverything. Maybe someday I’ll spend some time here cleaning this pit hole up.

So it’s June, July. August. I have an adhd diagnosis, which was not enough for me. I wish it was enough. To be told you have something, For me to be told I have something- it doesn’t mean I understand what it is.

I did research and was like “yes. that’s me. Yes. That’s me” So I started feeling like ok I have a community of like minded people here.

I went through my medicaid phone listing for psychiatrists in my neighborhood. I called all of the numbers. I then went to Kings County Behavioral Health Walkin Clinic which was a freaking TRIP. Two teenagers on heroin begging for cookies at the front desk, spouting bigoted angry words to no one in particular.

In the end, there was an opening, at a different Hospital (Suny Downstate) I saw a doctor, he gave me a real test, gave me a prescription, listened to me, told me that AdHd is genetic, that members of my family likely has it. He allowed me to describe everything that was happening in my brain and in my body, which was a series of different sensations that were unknown to me before, deeply uncomfortable at times, my energy waxing and waning and for a first time seeing a new way of behaving. a quiet that I have never felt

I will have to try to dive into that at a later date. I will invariably forget. So another upheaval. Maybe one of my last few.. We shall see. My mother, my father and his wife and I are at odds right now. It is revelatory. I am starting to see clearly, with these drugs. There are a lot of things I didn’t see before. we brushed past so many things. I brush past everything. Its how i have learned to cope. I don’t want to lose all of that. Just some of it. The stuff that gets in the way. The stuff that makes me want to quit everything.