Author Archives: cuzksay

I find myself back on Craigslist again, looking for revenue streams. I have my ‘thought diary’ app open so that I can challenge my aggressive self-bullying. I scroll though the words, they’re a meaningless, jumbled mess. Imagining myself filling a job role is painful after years and years of failure. Despite the anxiety I amContinue reading “Starting to start over”

Ogunquit Maine was the home of sweet, dear Eleanor Young, who passed away at 99 years old two weeks ago Thursday. I spent the day immediately following her death in her house. I spent the last few days with her, I loved her. I admit I got a bit weird with her dead body andContinue reading “Nana”

I have been taking adderall since October 1st, thereabouts. I have done a good share of drugs in my lifetime. A good nice share. I never shot heroin but pretty much everything else, in pretty keen quantities. But as I am 45 years old, a midwesterner sent to a safe midwestern private college, I haveContinue reading “Adderall”

It has been a WHOPPING SIX months since I last wrote. I have avoided this blog on a daily basis with the tenacity that I avoided homework in all of my classes that I ever took in my whole life. There have been days where I haven’t thought about it, but not many. I hadContinue reading “6 Months”

I wish that I were writing my story right now. THat’s the way it was supposed to work. I was supposed to be spending this time writing my novel or my film, but all i want to do is bake bread. One of the issues I have with writing is that it takes so muchContinue reading “Those Covid Days”

I think the worst part about this virus is the self judgement. I got in an argument with my mother this morning because I feel like I’m constantly being baraged with other people’s productivity. THis has been going on for my whole life. Other people’s accomplishments are the bane of my existence. This is whatContinue reading “Judgement”

I picture everyone home with their respective families. I’m now inching so very close to 45, and so almost everyone I know is home with their families, because they all have them, and they’re being quarantined together. Sounds fun, I guess it could be. I wonder how I would feel if I were still aContinue reading “Families”

I shut down free bread in September of 2019. I have been trying to recover from that loss by going to therapy and writing about it here. I have taken a few contract jobs but I am not currently employed by any company, nor am I eligible for unemployment. I’m lucky to have a veryContinue reading “Seaux Aleauxn”

So I’mma be straight with myself here on IQE. Because this is MY midlife crisis and I want to use it to learn about myself, the way I respond to circumstances, the way I behave and the actions I take to enhance my time here on this planet. Like everyone else, I have deeply rootedContinue reading “Midlife Crisis de la Virus”

I have always been a terrible drinker. Since my very first sip, barfs were inevitable and somehow never a deterrent. My mom would drink a glass of wine, my dad a glass of wine, but drinking was never a prominent factor my childhood, nor was smoking or drug use. This was during the Just-Say-No days,Continue reading “Throwin’ Up”